It was the worst of times. If you feel like you’re in a strong enough place, write about your worst day, ever. What made it so horrible? How did it change you for the better? For worse? How have the events of that day changed or influenced your perspective?
Anyone that reads my blog regularly has seen me talk about this. I wanted to write about it again because someone may be in a similar situation and need to see that they aren’t alone.
It was the beginning of November 2007. My husband returned from deployment and he wasn’t quite himself. He seemed different and I couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong. I didn’t want to push because I didn’t know what he had gone through on the deployment. However, I wanted to know what the problem was. So I decided to do something, that I should regret doing, but don’t. I hacked his computer. This hack gave me all of his passwords and what I found next completely devastated me.
Apparently while he was on his deployment, he met a woman. She was an Airman stationed in Texas but deployed as well. From the emails that I came across they started being friendly in May and that friendship evolved into something more. This went on until she came back to the states in October. But the relationship didn’t end there.
Imagine how I felt when I read that she loved him… and he loved her back.
I confronted him, and he seemed more hurt by the fact that I snooped on him that the fact that I caught him cheating. When I felt like he was handing me a bunch of bull, I called her. She told me everything I wanted to know and so much that I didn’t. She believed him and insisted that I was crazy and we were divorced. So I offered her my MILs phone number for verification. She finally got it. She was being lied to as well. She stopped talking to him, at my request, but it wouldn’t last long. He would go back to emailing her and she would always reply. It was late February early March 2008 before I would finally have her out of our lives.
He hurt me more than anyone in my life ever had. I can’t describe the pain I was in. The nightmares this experience gave me. I can’t put into words what I was going through mentally. Not knowing if I could ever trust him again and what that meant for us. I loved this man, he betrayed me… what do you do with that?
We went to marriage counseling, but he told the therapist that he didn’t have a problem I did. So I never went back.
We argued and fought. I tried to put him out, he would guilt me into letting him stay. Then we got orders. So then it became do I go with him or do I stay behind. As hurt and miserable as I was, it wasn’t about me anymore. We had a son. Growing up I didn’t have a family. I felt like even if I could barely stomach to look at my husband, that didn’t mean my son didn’t deserve the love of both of his parents. So I PCSd to Colorado with him.
I don’t remember what happened. But eventually my husband started to see the pain he had caused me. Pain that he said he could see in my eyes every day. He finally began to feel some guilt. Enough to make him go to counseling on his own. It helped. Immensely. We wouldn’t be here right now had he not gone.
He was still going to therapy when I made the decision to go back to school. However, he was still keeping secrets and sneaking around. I saw school as a way for me to regain control over my life. It meant that I would have a marketable skill to fall back on if I needed to leave. I would never have to be dependent on him again.
Here I am now, almost 7 years after the worst day of my life. I am still standing. This experience tore me down to my foundation and with a little help from a therapist, I am rebuilt. Stronger and better than ever. My relationship with my husband isn’t perfect, but God knows it’s better than it was before. We have gone through a lot, all of us. But we are still standing. We are still a family, and I think that says a lot, considering.