My son is 16 years old. He is an awesome kid, he is both the best and the worst of me. I love that boy more than anything in the world. I would walk through fire and back for him. That is how much I love him.
That is why I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that my mother just walked away from me when I was 5 weeks old. How do you look into the face of your child and walk away like she’s nothing. My Mother had me as a means of controlling my Father, the perpetual child. I guess she thought having me would make him grow up, be with her, and want to be a family. No such luck. Even after all these years he still has not changed.
As a child I was told she was dead. My Grandmother probably told me that because I didn’t remember the last time I saw my Mother. My Father mentioned to me one day when I was a teenager that he had seen her. Wait? How could you see her, she’s dead. She wasn’t. All my life, I had thought I lived with my Grandmother because my Father didn’t want me and Mother was dead. Then to find out that neither of my parents wanted me? I’ll never forget what I felt that day.
The majority of my adult life I hid from my Mother. I didn’t want her to find me. Honestly, I secretly hoped she was looking for me and couldn’t find me. I hoped it caused her pain. I wanted her to hurt because she left me. But as most of y’all know, I found out a few years ago that she had died in 1995. At which point I found out about a younger sibling.
She had a baby boy in the 80’s. She took care of him and loved him. She changed her life for him. That makes me wonder… what was wrong with me and my older brother reason why she couldn’t change for us? Why didn’t she love us? She never even spoke about us, it was like we didn’t exist. She didn’t mention us until she was laying on her deathbed too delirious to know what she was saying. At which point she said “I have 3 kids”. No one that knew her then, knew about us, so they attributed these mutterings to delirium. They thought it was the disease talking, but it wasn’t. She really did have 3 kids.
Now I feel robbed by the fact that she is dead and I cannot ask her why she didn’t love me. How it was so easy to walk away from me. I hate to admit these things. It makes me feel weak and I am far from weak. It is just hard growing up knowing that no one entrusted with your well-being, not your parents, not your grandparents wanted you. My Dad walked away, my Grandmother raised me, sure, but there was no love in that house.
Growing up all I wanted was a family that loved me. There were 4 of us cousins that hung out together all of the time. I spent all of my spare time with them at their perspective houses because their parents were nice to me. They treated us all equal because we were family. But at the end of the day I had to go home to my Grandmother and her venom. There were beatings in my house, there was yelling, cursing and screaming in my house, there was a LOT of name calling in my house but there was no love.
My son was my chance at a family. I want him to know he is loved. I want him to feel loved. I wanted him to have a nice relatively normal family. (I don’t know how successful I was at that last bit for the most part) I didn’t experience love growing up but I have always been a good mimic lol. I give him hugs, I tell him that I love him, and I take care of him. All of the things I wanted as a child. Someone to love me and take care of me. Hopefully it is enough.