A few years ago you broke my heart. Ripped it out of my chest, ripped it into a million little pieces and threw it to the ground like discarded tissue. I thought I’d never get past the hurt, never get over the pain but slowly I have. I’m not denying you hurt me. I’m not denying that all the pain I have felt for the last few years are because of you. I’m not saying I will ever forget what you did. Or even forget sitting on the bathroom floor, hyperventilating over just how painful the hurt really was. But I do forgive you.
Holding on to the hate that grew in my heart for you, the pain that you caused me, and the hurtful thoughts have slowly destroyed me. Turned me into someone I hardly recognize anymore… I became bitter, pessimistic because of you. But I have worked through it. I’m not over what you did… but I’m working through it. I can look at you now without wanting to push you down a flight of stairs. I can be held by you without my skin crawling. I can make love to you without feeling nauseous. I can think of you without thinking about what you are doing and with whom…. I forgive you.
I once held those emails for the day I needed to use them against you. Guarded them with my life, keeping them hidden from you… just like the secrets you were keeping hidden from me. For years I couldn’t use my favorite purse because it housed those emails. I have since shredded all those emails, let go of what they represent…. I forgive you.
I’m not sure what the future holds. I am not sure if my future includes you as my husband. But for now I am willing to try. I’m willing to continue to work past all that’s been done to our relationship. Willing to continue to quiet the voice in the back of my head that once kept me paranoid. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not willing to look the other way while you treat me like shit… but I am willing to stop seeing the big bad wolf around every corner.
I forgive you.